And the blood gushed forth

And the blood flowed forth from my loins once more.

I haven't been this excited to get my period since I was 10 and ALL my friends already had theirs and I was still waiting. Its a little odd, as well, since usually in this trying to conceive business, bleeding is not a welcome sight. But since my cycle got all wacked out just as soon as we started getting serious about the babymaking business, I have been on the look-out for the good and the bad. With the arrival of my period 12 days after my suspected ovulation, within 3 days of my usual cycle length, makes me think that everything is probably a-ok, and it was the buying-selling-moving-travelling-sick month of September that screwed everything up.

Tonight we sit down with BFF to talk about donor stuff. In preparation, La and I made a list of stuff to be sure to cover: time commitment, expectations during the insemination times each month, legal understandings around parenting, etc.

It turned into a really, really wonderful conversation. It could sound like I am pressuring La into this baby stuff from the way I talk - but I not, I swear. I am definitely on the more expedited timeline and a little less apprehensive about the process, but we agreed on this timeline and this process and we are both looking forward to making, getating and raising a baby. La tends to go back and forth in the expression of how she feels - she makes us walk through the baby section at Target *everytime* we go, but sometimes when I start talking details she freaks out. Once she explained a little bit about why she has such bi-polar feelings about babies, it all made much more sense and we've been more able to find a middle path around planning while still each having our own space to process the experience.

Anyway, last night . . .after talking through our list of donor topics, we ended up talking about what it might look like for me to be pregnant, to have a baby. It was sweet, and it reminded me of the times before we sold a house and bought another and we just dreamed about having babies and being badass parents. Strangely, it was this conversation that actually made everything much more tangible and real to me - and inspired more anxiety than I generally have about it all. A healthy dose of reality (vs. research) is probably a really good thing for me.

When I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, La mumbled something in her sleep. When I said , "what?" she responded with some much more clearly articulated gibberish, and when I asked for clarification one more time, she said "we need to choose a donor for that!" Clearly, this process is getting into both of our heads.


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la la la luteal phases!

Ugh. I am SO GOOD at letting a very small amount of information inform my neurosis. This morning I woke up to a basal body temperature drop, which has me freaked out because if I bleed tomorrow I will have had an 8 day luteal phase this cycle, which, according to some sources is not enough time for implantation, although according to others 9-10 days is 'more than enough' which means 8 should be enough, right? RIGHT?!

Let me just remind you - all 13 of you who have viewed this page since Friday (holy shit!) - we are not even TRYING yet. I am freaked out about my research results, which, by the way are not even complete or conclusive yet. This is why I stick to the 'soft sciences.' I'm terrible in the laboratory. Which is why I am hopeful I can return to literature review tomorrow, since that is my comfort zone.

On Saturday, La and I babysat for our friends who have 10 month old twins. The beautiful baby girls came via a complicated story of fertility treatments, which is probably even more fraught because they are a heterosexual couple and really, there is all kinds of shame and secrecy I can see in their story that really, we don't have to deal with. I mean, its pretty clear from the outside that La and I do not have the tools necessary to make a baby out of our own love and guts and we will need a little help from our friends. But, for our buddies, there is an assumption that their babies came about the old fashioned way, and I think they continue to struggle with how much to disclose and to whom.

When they got home we sat around talking for another couple of hours, mostly about the intersections of our stories. Its nice to have folks that we can talk about all of this with - not the logistical details, but the muddy feelings and curious questions. La and one of our friends both make art and have been talking about working together to put our experiences into a show. I imagine it would be both hilarious and wonderful and kind of awkward. Just like this whole thing generally is.

Back to this luteal phase shit. I'm currently trying to decide if I should pursue all of the variety of natural remedies for short luteal phases, assuming, in fact, my luteal phase ends up actually being short. This tends to be my go to: fix things before they are broken. Unfortunately, I know that bodies can get screwy when you try and fix what ain't broke. I'm trying to hold out until the end of my NEXT cycle to take the vitex and the progesterone cream, you know, so I have some actual evidence that my luteal phase is indeed short.

Since I'm just sure everyone is dying to know: rest assured, I will make sure you know the minute my uterus starts to bleed!

But also, preview of other things to come:

1) Being a fatty trying to get knocked up and trying to prepare to be a pregnant fat lady
2) Having your shit together financially - what does that mean and does it even matter?
3) Surrounded by bellies!

Reasoned and Rational

Yesterday during lunch I went for a walk and spent most of the time thinking about making babies. This isn't a shock. Most of my unoccupied thought time, and some of my otherwise occupied thought time, is taken up with baby making details. I'd like to think that I am a more reasoned and rational baby-obsessed lady, but I know myself well enough to know I usually think I'm more reasoned and rational even when I'm not.

It occured to me that blogging about my baby making thoughts might be productive for me - if an otherwise complete waste of internet. My partner, who I shall call La (because, side note, DP for "dear partner" makes me retch a little) is more on the nervous-excited end of the spectrum, and generally prefers not to plan and schedule and process detail. Planning, scheduling, listing and processing detail are some of my many type A influenced coping mechanisms.

 In this, we are not necessarily perfectly matched.

So the charting, temping, reading, discussion board research, herbal knowledge and lore, legalese makes her feel crazy and overwhelmed - I need it. And because I also need her to stay relatively comfortable with the idea of having a baby in the next little bit, its important for me to find an outlet. I'm hoping that once we do some additional processing about how we are approaching this whole adventure, La might decide to weigh in here once and a while. Until then, I will be the primary poster - and I'll let her choose if, when and what she wants to read here.

Do I sound like a creep? I promise, I'm not going to be spilling secrets here that La doesn't know about. If you're worried that you know me/us and you'll know shit she doesn't, please rest assured. La and I are process-core and I have a compulsion towards stark honesty in her presence. In this, we are exceptionally well matched.

So mostly, this is for me. A place to put the stuff I learn, to complain about the heterosexism of the damned fertility message boards, consider all the angles of this business - you know, the usual pre-conception litany. And if you're a queer who's trying to make a baby too, maybe this will be helpful. Or maybe you'll judge me and feel better about the way you're doing it - that's cool too, just don't be an asshole in the comments ok? Or maybe you're a straight lady who wants to get a different perspective, or maybe you just like reading gay baby making blogs? I don't know. I'm talking to a hypothetical and possibly only theoretical audience, and I'm ok with that. That's the point.

I'm also a somewhat obsessive chronologist. I like to record mundane details and have them to look back on. Mostly because you just never know what might end up being significant somewhere down the line. I like the idea that maybe in a year or two I can look back and shake my head or shrug my shoulders, or be able to add stuff to a baby book or weep over some stupid detail I obsessed about or . . .whatever.

Before this gets too cumbersome, I wanted to track a few of the fun things in the process for today, November 2, 2012:
1) First fertility acupuncture appointment with the fabulous gay acupuncturist who helped me deal with ym PTSD from a previous shitty relationship AND stop smoking almost two years ago. I LOVE her! I do think I may have fallen asleep and snored a little in the community room which is awkward, but whatever.

2) Ordered "Making Babies: A Proven Three Month Program for Maximum Fertility." I'm not too into books that promise results because usually that is a recipe for self hate when they don't, but I'm also really invested in making healthy life style changes that are NOT motivated by losing weight. Having a baby seems like a healthier target. Also, this shit is too pricey already to have to delve into anything beyond spermies in a cup and a needleless syringe, amiright? So, I'm going to try my best to make my body into a baby temple so we can save our $$ for when the kid arrives.

3) Am close to finishing charting my first cycle. Its been more anxiety producing than I would have guessed. I had a wakadoodle cycle last time ( a 36 day cycle as opposed to my usual 29 days) and this freaked me out more than it should have. But, I think I've been looking for problems in my charting since then, which is not the best thing to be doing. That said, I'm really glad to be almost done, because I'm feeling clearer on the process and how to understand it. And, I have a revised plan going forward to get more info, so that's awesome. My last little bit of anxiety is around my luteal phase length. According to my temperature charting, I ovulated on day 20, which is kinda late if my cycle goes back to the usual 29 days. So, now I wait for the blood to flow to get my last bit of information, and to get to start a new month with a new plan.

Yeah gayby blogging!