Under the Hood

Oh man, if I had an audience waiting with baited breath, they would be so excited because there is so much to report!

Basically, I would call the last week Experiments in Awkward Conversations.

There were, of course, the phone calls to every low-cost sexual health provider in the greater metro area regarding my friend's sperm, which I determined was primarily awkward because I am an adult inquiring about medical services for another adult AND I'm not his case worker. After a solid chat with my GP - who is an adorably awkward lesbian who just had a baby with her partner not so long ago - we decided to hold off on the semen analysis for a while. Her suggestion was to try 4 cycles and if we didn't get pregs by then, to investigate the semen analysis again.

Ok! Check!

On Friday, La and I went to see the lawyer who will be drafting our donor agreement, and probably helping with some additional estate documents as well. The awkward conversation that ensued here was less "ha ha how weird is it to be talking about my friend's wiener? ha ha" and more "fuck man, being a queer can sure make simple things a lot harder." In this case, we are working on drafting an agreement that BFF can sign, relinquishing his rights to the baby that his spermies create, defining the intended roles of both me and La, and setting us up to ensure that La will be the second parent - in whatever way is legal at that point. Apparently, Colorado has pretty good case law (read: some) in this field, which means our lawyer has been able to amend her contract to be specific and has reasonable assurance that it will cover our ass in case BFF gets all crazy which I just really can't imagine happening. But part of this is defining who we are (NOT MARRIED being chief among the list) by virtue of the law, which doesn't necessarily correlate with who we understand ourselves to be. It was eerily reminiscent of getting our basically meaningless domestic partnership certificate in Denver. The narrative went something like this:

"Do you, Andiepants, agree that La is your domestic partner, recognizing that this is no way constitutes a marriage, will be void immediately upon your or La's death, voided if either of you should get married, and basically means nothing but that you spent $50 supporting the infrastructure of the city and county of Denver?"
Yes. Yes I do.

The good news is that Colorado currently has second parent adoption, which means that worst case scenario, La can be on the birth certificate following a lengthy and expensive process to adopt her own child! Yay!
BUT! BEST case (which is not even that far from reality) La will be on the birth certificate as soon as the nugget is born if civil unions legislation passes (and it is looking mighty good this time around) and is in effect by the time the kiddo is born! Super honest not cynical YAY!

So, $250 and one hour long uncomfortable conversation later, we should have a contract on its way to us.

This morning I went to the aforementioned adorable lesbian doctor to get a pap and make sure all the initial pre-pregnancy tests have been run. Things are looking good, minus a slightly tilted cervix (aim low and to your right, was the issued advice) and the very slight possibility of an elevated prolactin level (for which a blood test was ordered.) Other than that, my vag is in excellent working condition!

Yay for functional vaginas and possibly awesome legislation!!

Shit's gettin' real

I want to let you all know that I work, professionally, for a reasonably adult wage, in the sexual health education field. I no longer routinely demonstrate the proper use of condoms, extol the virtues of the IUD or pepper my language with penile-anal penetration, but suffice to say I am still frequently in the position of talking about risque subjects with people who are more than a little squeamish. Last year I had to bring a box of brightly colored silicone dildos (ahem, condom demonstrators) into the principal's office at a very conservative public high school and tell him exactly how his teachers would be showing barrier methods to his students, and I didn't bat an eyelash. Really, it doesn't phase me.

But man oh man if asking a few medical professionals about getting a sperm analysis for BFF didn't freak me the fuck out.

I was somehow under the impression that we would be able to get a semen analysis at Planned Parenthood, right alongside the usual HIV/STI tests. Having gotten quite a bit of my pre-insurance reproductive healthcare from good ol' PP, I assumed men were privy to the similar array of services. Not the case. Apparently, physical exams can only be scheduled if there is evidence of infection, and beyond that, only a panel of HIV/STI tests can be run. Since BFF is definitely un-insured, this means we are going to have to get creative about how to get this step done. I realize that the semen analysis isn't a must at this point in the game, but we might as well get all the medical stuff out of the way up front, right? Plus, BFF is 46 and while we know he managed to knock a girl up in his 20's, this doesn't mean the swimmer's are still in Olympic shape.

Thus, I have spent the afternoon calling various clinics, my doctor, and the public health department (that was one little tip I'm proud to have thought of myself!) explaining that I am a lesbo, and me and my lesbo lover and our gay BFF are gonna get together and make a baby and we need a little help getting all of our ducks in a row and did I mention we make crap for cash? Who do I have to fuck around here to get BFF's spunk looked at under a microscope?!

The biggest trauma is, of course, calling folks and having to come out over and over again, on the phone, to medical professionals - who I generally don't trust. Then I start thinking that maybe we shouldn't have access to low cost services because, I mean, isn't this making a baby thing a privilege for two dykes and therefore if we can't do it on our own and/or pay for it on our own, we should just be happy with our dogs? Why does 'reproductive health' almost always mean the option to NOT get pregnant when you don't want to, instead of the other way around? And if we can't shell out hundreds of dollars to make sure BFF's sperms don't have 6 tails, are we really adequately prepared to have a kid, anyway? Are we overpreparing or overthinking or overanalyzing or all of the above?

In other news . . .
Had the donor talk with BFF on Sunday and it was decidedly lovely. I ended up getting totally weepy and verklempt because OMG y'all, if we need a #3 to make a baby, I am SO SO happy its BFF. His heart is so big and he is so wonderful, and the smile on his face when we told him we wanted to do a ritual with all three of us to sort of affirm the roles we are each playing was magical. He is a totally dreamy donor BFF, and I'm excited for him to be Uncle BFF to our babies. Also, he is so strapping and really exceptionally healthy which I think spells good news all around.

Finally. My boss is pregnant and due at the end of January (there are actually two co-workers who are due a day apart! I'm hoping they tag me in when they go into labor!) which up until yesterday still seemed like a while away. But since I am now tracking time by my menstrual cycle, the only thought I had was, whoa . . .that's NEXT MONTH (because it is, in the cycle scheme of things) and whoa . . .I could potentially be (just barely) pregnant when the boss goes into labor. Assuming, of course, getting tagged in works.